Will You Hate ME - Dawud Wharnsby Ali

I was listening to a range of nasheeds I've downloaded from the internet while I was working on my thesis. I was not really paying much attention to the lyrics of the first few songs until, I heard the familar melodious voice of Dawud Wharnsby Ali. Who would not stop and listen to his beautiful voice? I started paying attention to the wordings.

Smile in the two- way mirror of my eyes
I put on my faith like I wear a disguise
You can’t see my soul
See the life that I live
Show you the mask of the best I can give
I’ve hid here afraid like a child behind.
Truth of my thoughts that clutter my mind.
What if you knew about all that I do?
Things that I think,
The me that is true.

Would you call me a hypocrite?
Call me a liar?
Would you curse out my name?
Would you damn me to fire?
Would you know what to say?
Or would you just walk away?
Afraid the me I’ve tried to hide
Would you closely resemble the truth of you that lies inside?

I only listened half way and I already felt like Mr. Dawud is mocking me. In a moment, I thought the song was especially written for me. Honeslty, I can relate with the song very well. The song reminds me of my personal experiences and stories. The story of friends that I lost because of the mask that I wear got torn away, revealing my true face which disgusted them. The friends who backed away because of the secrets I concealed in my chest somehow leaked. The wrong judgements that I get from my family and friends for thoughts that were never voiced out. I lost count on the thrashings and curses hurled by my family and friends - just because the "true me" seem to be rebellious or 'unusual' to them. Well... to be honest, the "true me" never really like most of their attitude, their opinions, and their ways of doing things. However, I value their friendship and respect them for who they are. Hence, forcing me to wear a mask saying, "I agree with you", "I'll compromise", "I'll support you (eventhough I dont like it)".

Haaaaaaahhh (sigh*)... they never returned the favor or at least try to listen to my explanation. They just shout at the top of their lungs at me and some of them decided to alienate me. For a long time, I thought I was the bad apple, the guilty one.

Thanks to Mr. Dawud! I am no longer feeling guilty, finally I am relieved. Somehow the song proved that every person must have their own dark secret and evil thoughts that they are trying to protect, just like me. They also have things that they dont want to share with others, just like me. I've heard a saying once, 'a coin has two faces and a human being can have more than two'. HAH!!! So who's the hypocrite now?? All those people who never listen and brutally judged other people? Who, in the same time hiding their hedious face behind those beautiful masks?? hahahha!! :))

But praised to Allah s.w.t., only He knows what truly lies within me. No matter how evil my thoughts or my deeds were; He, THE LORD, never turn His back on me. He truly made me a more humble servant. Always, HUMAN tries to act 'GODLY' by judging and punishing others who they dont understand (or at least try to). But Allah constantly forgives His creations eventhough He knows what's instore in every nook and corner of every people's mind and heart.

The Arrow & The Song

I shot an arrow into the air,
It fell to earth, I knew not where;
For, so swiftly it flew,
The sight Could not follow it in its flight.

I breathed a song into the air,
It fell to earth, I knew not where;
For who has sight so keen and strong,
That it can follow the flight of song?

Long, long afterward, in an oak
I found the arrow, still unbroke;
And the song, from beginning to end,
I found again in the heart of a friend.


by Henry W. Longfellow

Intelligence & Persistence

Moshe Feldenkrais's article, Awareness Through Movement fascinate me. It wrote "Animal instinct is phylogenetic learning, or the learning of the species; human learning is ontogenetic - i.e., it needs personal experience. In short, learning is to the human nervous system what instinct is to animals. Dogs, for instance, learn spontaneously all canine languages, and a Chinese dog can communicate with an American dog as well as with a Persian one. But a human nervous system “wired in” through personal, individual experience can speak only one language. The remaining two thousand or so tongues will remain forever foreign unless the individual engages in new learning."

The article reminds me of Zayd bin Tsabit, a 'sahabah' famously known as the personal 'writer' to prophet Muhammad s.aw. He hold the role of recording holy messages revealed to the prophet Muhammad s.a.w which were later compiled into Quran. It was reported the prophet s.a.w had asked him to learn Hebrew and Syriac languages when he was only 13 or so. Amazingly, he mastered both languages in 32 days! I am not sure if this is a reliable fact, but if this is true, Zayd bin Tsabit must posessed indisputable gift and skill. Intelligence and persistence. Neither which I have. ~"~

I remembered a lecturer once told us in his class, "You already earned 30% out of the total marks in this subject if you are gifted (I guess the 'gift' would refer to brain power), but if you are not blessed with this gift, work hard and practise, insya-Allah, you'll get 70% out of the total marks." Somehow this proved that a person needs both intelligence and persistence to become perfect in any field.

Nevertheless, I cannot deny that knowledge is a gift from God to His servants. "He giveth wisdom unto whom He will, and he unto whom wisdom is given, he truly hath received abundant good." (Al-Baqarah:269)

Blessing In Disguise...

I was about to take the 5th prawn, when my mother took away the plate of "Sweet & Sour Prawns dish !". "That is enough for you Cabo !" said my mother, "or you would be scratching like "a monkey kena belacan" ! I was quite upset because I had not satisfied my appetite ! "How come, I am the only one born with allergy?" Girlie and Mona were not allergic to any foods and wearings. My sisters, girlie and Mona were smiling because they had more share of the prawns now. My face turned red at their smiles. As a result, I had lost my appetite and I went straight into my room to watch TV programme.

When I was a toddler, my skin was infected with scabies. It was caused by microscopic mite, "sarcoptes scabei". Ever since, I have had been allergic to seafood and synthetic accessories. There were scars on my limbs due to my constant scratches. It hurts every time I took my shower. Sometimes, I felt physicked with the frequent itches ! Beside me, my grandfather (father side) had the same problem too. I guess, I inherited it from him ?

I was sulking in my room but Sponge Bob made me laugh. My mother came in and patted my back and she said, “Do you know that, I spent a day in the labor room in agony waiting for you to make up your mind?" "When you finally decided to come out", "I felt like smacking you for causing that agony!” Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha! I laughed loudly. “The doctor told me that you were not physically ready to come out into this world!" I was puzzled? She continued, "The maternity nurse made an error on my maternity record!" She informed the doctor that you were supposed to be delivered in July !". However, according to my calculations, you were supposed to be delivered in October!". "Earlier, when your grandmother heard the nurse's explanation, she begged the doctor to deliver you immediately !". "In agony, I tried to explain to everyone but nobody was listening". "That was the reason you succumbs to skin allergy”.

After quite sometime, I didn't mind the skin allergy any more. In fact, I was glad of it. I received lots of attentions from my family members compared to my sisters and cousins. During the school holidays, I would spent time with my mother. Every morning, while I was sleeping, she would wake up early and inspect every inches of my skin for rashes. She would apply the allergic cream. Did my sisters had special attention from my mother? No!

At the university, during semester break, I would flew home to my grandfather house. My grandfather would buy crabs and prawns in kilograms especially for me. He knew that, I love to eat seafood especially crabs. He would also visit the pharmacy whenever he bought seafood for me. Did other grandchildren had that special treatment ? No!

During my stay in the university's dormitory, I would received frequent telephone calls from my grandfather to remind me, to apply the allergic cream before going to bed. Did any of the other grandchildren had that privilege ? No!

My friends sympathised with the scars caused by the allergy. But, I always told them that it was a blessing in disguise...

Cabo

My father was nervously waiting outside the Q.E. Hospital, Kota Kinabalu since early dawn. While my grandmother from my mother's side was crying. She was telling my father that, my mother was a good child, she always write to her in Canada and she shouldn't suffered the ordeal of giving birth! My grandmother from my father's side was suffering from giddiness due to hypertention. My mother had been in the labour room since 1 a.m. I was not ready to see the new world and I was feeling comfortable inside her womb! She told me that, the doctor had to vaccumed me out from her womb! Yeah, I was vaccumed out from my mother's womb, during the Muazzin called for the Asar prayer... The doctor showed me to my father and grandmothers. My father told me that, I was hairless for a baby girl. My head look like a cone. This is because, the doctor vaccumed my head to pull me out. I was crying feverously! I told you, I was not ready to see the new world! My mother named me Amelda after my father's name Amran. She wanted the names of the family members to rhyme "Am". Her name is Amelia and my sister's name is Amanda. My middle name originated from my grandmother's Dianna (mother side). This is to honoured her because she flew all the way from Canada to nursed me for the first 3 months. She is a Hokkien, Chinese. She couldn't pronounce my name. Hence, she called me "Cabo" which means girl in Hokkien. I was the first grandchild of both grandparents. Hence, my cousins from my mother's side called me Cher Cher which mean sister in Chinese.